cocomonroe

My mind appears to be doing some introspection before the pending mercury in retrograde...about all the amazing, hard, holy crap, wonderous, and beautiful moments of 2010. And though it's had its fair share of ups and downs, I'm amazed to say that I have NO regrets. So many times I come to the end of a year and start thinking about everything that has happened...and I think to myself, "Man. I wish I coulda done this; I shoulda said that; Why did I _______ (Fill in the blank)." But this year...I don't know that I would change anything. Thanksgiving was the first time in a VERY long time that I felt like I had some really legit things to be thankful for...and not just feeling like I *had* to feel grateful/thankful for something given the holiday's namesake.

This year ain't over yet, and I might regret having thought this in a minute. But. For right now...I'm actually worried that I feel so good. Like...what happens if I go into the New Year and the next year sucks extra to make up for the way this year did not. But I'm working on steadying my mind and trying to be as present as I possibly can. For the remaining moments of 2010...and to be as open as I can to joy and hope in 2011.

Hope has been such a flighty ideal my whole life. For next year...I want to hope.

if i had a keener ear
you would know that even your lightest breath is heard
if i were a poet
you would read a perfect sonnet with my step
if i were a songbird
you would hear your song whenever the world was still
if i had more time in a day
i could touch you without worry of the hourglass
if i were a valiant soldier
perhaps i could be brave enough to say...
ah! but alas...
i am merely who i am.
so i hope you have a moment...
while i try to do all these things the old fashioned way

Today is the 10th anniversary...of my grandmother's crossing the veil.

She was born in 1907, in Riga, Latvija. Coming from practically nothing...she did what she had to do...to survive. Her luck changed when she met the love of her life...and then suddenly...she was wealthy, a member of high society, and a land owner - of a farm they called Taures (butterfly), and then...married. She and her husband began trying to make a family together, when they found out that she was barren. They ended up adopting my mother when she was two in 1939.

Just a year later, Germany invaded Poland...and this newly formed family started digging hiding places in the land they loved so dearly. In the end, ended up selling off everything they ever had except their land to try and made a desperate run from the country by 1941...when they and the entire passenger list were kidnapped by the invading German army trying to leave the country by train. She and her family ended up in a camp...surviving until 1945 when her husband pulled his own gold teeth out to procure passage on a US naval ship headed to America as stowaways.

She and her family arrived to this country, and they all learned English by reading comic books. They eventually ended up in Kalamzoo, MI -- a sort of little Latvija in the states -- and they all were berry/fruit pickers to start out with. Eventually becoming citizens and learning more of the language, she owned and operated her own deli for many years even long after her husband passed...before retiring and going to live in Nashville, TN.

She remains my inspiration. She taught me how to find nobility no matter the package that might stand before someone. How words can be simultaneously used to charm, influence, love...and spit fire. She taught me my body is a temple no matter the size, shape or age...and that while many seek its power, very few will appreciate its wonder. She taught me how to defend myself against anyone - even myself. To remember to give as much as you can to others - for it is ultimately yourself you end up giving the most to. How to tell a *great* story. To remember to be truly present for as many moments in life as possible...and to celebrate the good times like they might be your last. To celebrate moments you feel truly free and independent... To defend love and the right to love with your life, if you must.

Rest in peace - Dear One. You are remembered. You are loved.

You might not know
And it might be too...
Too soon to say...
To say I miss...
I miss...

But I do.
I miss...
I miss the warmth of your smile, your embrace,
the warmth while inside...
you...

Oh Goddess!
I miss...
Your breath on my neck, and the shivers down your spine,
Or a gentle kiss...(from)...
you...

I miss...
the sound of you,
Whether a faint whisper or loud proclamation.
The way you moan when I taste...
you...

You. Yes you. And all you do.
I miss you. And your state of being.
Whether dressed high or down low,
Or not caring what others could be seeing.
I miss you. And your state of breathing.
Whether gasping for air during love making
or the way your chest slowly rises and falls while sleeping.
I miss you. And the words you say.
Sometimes quite literally - I cannot hear it all
I watch your lips all the time...hoping to catch a glimpse.
But I carry the words I've been blessed to hear and see with me.
Your touch in my body, and your love in my heart.
Awaiting another glimpse to see and to hear what you're up to.
And I know that whatever it is - it's good.
Cause I know you're out there doing what good bois do.
Cause you are are that good.
Not cause you have to be.
But because you are.
Oh yeah.
I miss...
you...

i guess i'm good enough to run to, to cry on.
i'm good enough to solve your problems.
to be your M.D.
to bring you closer to ecstasy - all safely, sanely and consentually.
to teach you about a realm of pleasure you didn't even think of yet.
i'm good enough to bury your dead and heal your wounded.
i'm good enough to drive you to wherever, and deliver whatever, wherever.
i'm good enough to tear down whatever walls you might have built around yourself. whatever fortress that exists you allow me to punch straight on through.

i'm good enough to build you back up when you've torn yourself to shreds.
i'm the one to go to when no one else has answers or has even a bit of hope.
i'm the confidant who'll never tell. and you never ask.
i'm definitely good enough to beat up or beat down, tear down, and treat badly...
i'm *so* good enough to talk shit to
and you have enough fear to believe that you can come to me do the same to you
to tear you down, to creep, to holler, and even to beat you up
all so that you can feel better once it's aaaaalll over...

now, i know that should be good enough.
it should be an honor.
it should be a gift, i know...
but right now...i want some attention without strings of what i'll do for them.
i want someone to ____ me and tell me that they need me...
not because they have to or else someone could lose an eye, a tear, or a heart...
but for no reason at all.
i want to feel like i can go out there
go into the world and say and touch and do and be and love...and it be enough.
that there's not all this pressure to be the perfect at any of the above.

i want some attention that will feed me for me's sake
not because it's convenient or that it's the 'right' thing to do.
or that it's something being done for past good deeds that i did for them
or the good things i might do in the future.
i wanna be able to open my mouth and say how i feel
i'd like a nice reciprocal gesture
not a slap across the heart
some statement insinuating how they know i'm evil
that my darker, evil side is something that they're still guarding against.
especially if i see their own all the time...

you're nice to say that i'm 'the goddess incarnate'
truly, you are.
but what good is it if no one speaks until they need something?
if no one dare breathe in your direction for you might rain down your wrath?
if the loving care you lavish upon your subjects is lapped up and thrown away,
if what you desire most is only given in desperation for karmic redistribution?
i say it's stupid, useless, and foolish.
except for that some days...
if it weren't for me giving advice, giving help, or giving my soul...
i doubt i'd talk to anyone at all...

Closed eyes bring forth images of a bronzed being
Bathed in a soft light
Emerging from the darkness
Then suddenly - I am back in reality
Where I'm just me
Too greedy
And I am so ashamed
And I am so frightened
That time will reveal
This is only like my other dreams or delusions of grandeur

I'm more than willing to give up my possessions
Because it's a reminder of what I've given up in my heart
Yes, I know that I am too generous
With my possessions and my heart and my tears
I exist in deep humility
Twisted to the point at which it becomes conceit
It's my doom...
It is my greatest pleasure and my greatest pain
Give until it hurts so that all that is left is the love
Isn't that the only way that love exists?

I wish I were more confident
I wish I could see the light
I wish I could go back so that I could give warning
I am not worthy
You should never have to see
You're attempting to free a beast
Who should hide forever...

I was never pretty
I was never good
I was never enough
I was never fair

I would never have justice
For I could never have a moment's peace
I was never right
And I was certainly never worthy

Suddenly...someone let me in
Before I even had the chance to warn them
They knew...
But went ahead anyway...

And before I knew it they were in there
with a promise to not wreck up the place
This look of shock on my face isn't cause they did
it's cause I believe they won't....

So if you feel you must defend your position
it's because you do...because I just don't see
when all signs point away I don't understand
how what you're saying could possibly refer to me

All good fades into the black
I think underneath it all I am good, but not infallible...
I don't want you to be here when mine slips
Because I might not survive the fall...

For a hundred years, all that remained was the weight
of all the armour, the valour, and the honour
Just to be sure, the fail safe was the impossible riddle
The sentinel, to remained guarded at all costs

Lifetime vow to the warrior Goddess to protect the innocent and the weary
Not only for this lifetime, but surely from the one before
Not merely chosen, but destiny meditative serenity
Ready to give life to protect life out of love

Then suddenly and quickly, the riddle answered
the gates opened and the seal slipped into the dark
the Sphinx left shivering and quivering with a fear overbearing
wearing nothing but the moonlight upon her heart and mind

With arms laid down in that white field
Greedy palms reached for the safety, peace, love and other riches she found there
She then lept into the air and allowed the fire to consume
All the rest - to be laid to rest

The shadows remain like ghost pain - the weight of those limbs once so known
Teeth and claws ready for the slaughter, paws ready to pounce
The wild beast can't be tamed, but she knows how to love...
if you can get past the bodies of the slain and know the riddle of the paradox

I swear I could be good.
Even if for just a minute...
And you don't have to stick around after.
Not if you don't want.

I'm not very useful.
But I know how to listen.
To watch. To learn.
To touch. To receive.

And I'm soooooo good at receiving hurt.
If you need to let off some steam with a slap, punch or push...
or if you need someone to put down to step on...
I know for sure, I'm good at that.

For now...I can tell you that...I am present
I know it's not good enough
Cause I'm just another devil
Who takes too much and gives too little.

Running her own fingers through her hair
She could swear
She could remember when his hands were there
And she didn't feel scared

A hot summer breeze blew by
A smile crept upon her lips and a small sigh
She gasped and closed her eyes
Remembering his head between her thighs

Chills run down her spine 
Thinking about the time
It started to sink into her mind
When his lips whispered "you're so fine"

Sometimes when she felt his gaze
She wondered what he saw in the maze
Of her heart and mind and body or why he stays
Why previous knowledge didn't make him disengage 

Feels so good to be called his baby
Trying on this label of lady
Thinking maybe...
She's deserving of being loved and loving...just maybe